I know what the problem is, and I know how it needs to be fixed. I find myself looking for those quick answers and solutions, but for this there are none.

I’m still having problems locating a good support group online for myself. I’ve found an abundance of groups set up for the addict, but none really exist for the spouse/partner side of things. Of these that do exist, those involved are so busy and wrapped up on labelling and tagging you with the co-dependent they tend to overlook that not everyone is. It’s incredibly frustrating…

One of the things that really have me bummed out are the success rates of relationships that have gone through something like this. Whether the addict has managed to become clean or not, the future from what I can see is bleak. One part of me, knows…knows full well that if help isn’t sought we are splitting. This does not cause me any concern because it’s a firm decision that I’ve made and ready for. There is the part of that wonders if he does manage to do this, if we are going to make it as a couple. I’ve never known him to be anything but a user.
Things will change, it is inevitable. This leads to “what if’s”. What if after we go through all of this, we discover that we just really don’t like each other? Seems an odd question, but one that is quite possible. What surprises me there, is that while I’m willing to let him go at this moment, the thought of things not working in a clean future makes me…well it makes me sad. I don’t know if this is normal to feel this way or not, so I ask.

Another thing that causes some concern for me personally is the severity of the problem. One thing I’ve quickly come to realize is that our situation could be a whole lot worse in regards to his addiction. Seeing and reading experience after experience, I know it could be a lot worse. There is a problem though, and while it’s not as severe as other it is still quite a real problem. How do I not minimize what is happening and keep the focus of what I need to do to get through this? And again I ask…

Telling me, “have faith in the high power!”, “what attracts you to this personality type?” or “did you grow up with alcoholics?” do not answer my questions. Telling me that people are not unique individuals, and the circumstances of how they got where they are do not vary, is not an answer. Hell, responding to an answer with a question is not an answer!

For once, just once I would like to hear that it is not my fault that he is the one that has chosen to put things to his mouth and inhaled or swallowed. I did not hold a gun to his head or a knife to his throat and tell him all life’s problem would be resolved, if he just inhaled, swallowed and remembered a towel and that the answer was 42! (A little galaxy hitchhiker reference there)

I accept my own role and responsibilities in this. It is well beyond time he accepted his.

The rehabilitation centre that he is in contact with (you know the one I can view out my back deck). It does offer family services but only to those currently in the residential treatment program and we are not quite there yet.  But it is something I’m hoping to take advantage of, if he goes through with this for both myself and our daughter. For the time being however, due to limited resources and lack of transportation to the city, I’d started looking up support groups online. I’ve been rather taken aback at most of the groups I’ve found though, they all either all refer you to Al- Anon or automatically want to label you as a Co-Dependent.

For many reasons, even if I did have transportation, I’m fairly certain Al-Anon is not for me. I already have a preconception that it is extremely religious based, and quite frankly…well I’m not a religious person by any means. I’m agnostic. All the power to those who this system works for. But personally I find it rather insulting to my own intelligence, and …see right there, I would have to work at breaking those barriers alone in order for this group to be effective for me. Actually, the whole alternative to AA and NA support is a whole other topic that I will talk about another time.

So in this quest, after being labelled a Co-dependent by someone in one of these support groups assuming they “know”. I had to dig deeper into the term. Alongside Co-dependency, found the terms Denial and Enabling. It took me a few days to scrounge through tons of information, because I wanted to find one that encompassed all three terms for discussion. Each of the terms have caused me either confusion or from what I read and understood,  don’t really apply to me.  Excerpts taken from this article  Codependency and Enabling Substance Abuse Behavior

Enabling

Though initially enabling occurs as a way to protect the individual from their behaviour, it can go on to perpetuate actions that cause repetitively bad behaviour. Some ways in which enabling takes place is as follows:

* Doing something for another that they should do themselves.
* Making excuses for the individual’s behaviour
* A spouse calling his or her significant other’s employer to say that the person is sick when they are just hung over which is why they can’t work.
* Bailing out a child who has been arrested for possession, use or abuse of drugs, or breaking other societal rules.
* Instead of recognizing a problem the enabler may defend the substance abuser thereby allowing the behaviour to continue.
* Generally covering the tracks of the individual in question whether it be by giving/loaning money, finishing up work, or just generally ignoring behaviours that should have repercussions. Usually the enabler stays silent when faced with repeated inappropriate or destructive behaviour.

This term Enabling is the one that really confuses me. I have never in the entire 11 years of my relationship with him have never done most of the above. But yet at the same time, I know full well I have enabled him that allowed him to continue with his habits. The most compelling thing I can see that I have done is perhaps the last point, but not entirely. I’ve never given or loaned him money directly for his habits. What I had done though was a set a precedence from the very beginning. His habit, his money. As long as he took care of the house’s needs first, such as contributing to the food and bills and rent, what he did with his money was his business. I was paying the same respect that I expected in regards to how I spend my money. Naturally, this presented problems when he was unemployed but only for him. I of course would pick up the slack and continue on as normal, but with the extra stress and burden. He would resort to hanging out at his buddies and rely on them to carry him through until he landed his next job. That’s not to say he didn’t test these boundaries in the beginning, because he most certainly did. We both learned out lessons here, and he was put in check real quick.
But as you can see, there were still no repercussions for his actions. With or without money, he was and is still able to get high anytime he wants. But this is how I see I enabled him, without the stress and burdens of every day responsibilities…he was free to do as he pleased. My only other problem with this is that I obviously need to learn how to make him just as accountable as I am for this house and our family. Myself, I was raised by a single-mom, and prior to my involvement with him I was a single-mom myself. All I’ve ever known and do know, is that you do what you need to do and get on with it. You do it, because it needs to be done. I’ve never considered this a bad trait within myself, because if he wasn’t around I’d be doing it solo anyways. So this is something that I know I am going to have to learn and work on correcting within myself.

Denial

Part of enabling behaviour is the concept of denial. Denial is when family and friends refuse to recognize or refuse to admit to a problem. This does not only refer to substance abuse, denial is a defence mechanism that is utilized when an individual finds the truth of a situation too difficult to deal with. In this case, denial of substance abuse behaviour can mean that family and friends do not recognize how the behaviour is affecting work, school, relationships, or causing financial problems. Most striking in the denial phenomenon is the enabler’s refusal to acknowledge the deterioration of the relationship her or she has with the substance abuser. In fact, quite often the denial mechanism will continue until it no longer can. Meaning, until something horrific occurs; the individual may refuse to acknowledge the problem.

Another tricky one, this Denial. It’s actually odd for me this one, because I came into the relationship knowing he was using. Was I aware of the severity? No. Was I aware that he was an addict? No. That was something I learned over time throughout the duration of the relationship.
I became aware of this more precisely a couple years after our daughter was born. I had started making attempts in getting him to recognize that the way of “getting by” living was not working. I quickly discovered that he had the inability to think beyond what was in front of him. There were no dreams, goals or ambitions for the future. But more than that, he was and still is quite content to live in “getting by”. So I knew this, I was aware of this…and yet, I was at a complete loss on how I should handle the situation or how I went about working for a resolution. But how could I work on resolving when only one party felt there was something broken? While I remained vocal and patient about the situation throughout the years it has now led up to a complete deterioration of our personal relationship, and now affecting the relationship he has with his daughter. I can’t say I’ve just sat back and allowed it to happen, because I have fought…but just until recently not with the effective means.

So how can I can I accept my role and responsibility in the Denial aspect? More importantly, how do I accept that responsibility without shifting it back on him. He has his own Denial issues that he will need to work on and accept. The only thing that I can really put my finger on at the moment in regards to have being in denial was how I hoped things would have worked out. I still clung onto the hope that he would wake up one day and realize the situation of the matter. In other words, I’d been waiting for him to (for lack of a better term) grow up. I now completely understand that with an addict, no matter the age…this isn’t going to happen. An addict is going to do what an addict does.

Co-dependency taken from Patterns of Codependency

Denial Patterns:

* I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
* I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel.
* I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.

Low Self Esteem Patterns:

* I have difficulty making decisions.
* I judge everything I think, say, or do harshly, as never “good enough.”
* I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
* I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
* I value other’s approval of my thinking, feelings, and behaviours over my own.
* I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.

Compliance Patterns:

* I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others’ anger.
* I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
* I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
* I value others’ opinions and feelings more than my own and am often afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
* I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
* I accept sex when I want love.

Control Patterns:

* I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
* I attempt to convince others of what they “should” think and how they “truly” feel.
* I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
* I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
* I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
* I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
* I have to be “needed” in order to have a relationship with others.

Honestly, I just had to step away from this one for a few minutes before completing this post. I had to set aside my “reaction” to being automatically labelled this to think it through. When I was first reading this list, I was rather insulted. As in “ahhh hell naw, you don’t know me!” At the same time I can see how a co-dependent can and does fall hand in hand with an addict. With that being said though, I definitely do not fall under this category. How’s that for categorical denial?
In all seriousness though rather than taking on point by point, I’ll go with the sections.
Denial Patterns – I have never had issues identifying what I am feeling. And boy do I wish sometimes I could minimize what I’m feeling or deny what I’m feeling. As a sufferer of depression and anxieties/panic attacks well before I started in this relationship with him I’m all too keen and aware of what I’m feeling. Admittedly sometimes I have troubles pinpointing exactly where the feelings are stemming from, but sooner or later I do figure it out. About the 6-7th year into our relationship I also developed PTSD caused by a series of life situational events that had occurred in a short amount of time. No he was not the cause of any of it, but he certainly didn’t help either. This was definitely a set back for me and more than likely contributed to our current situation lasting as long as it has. But that is another post for another time. For me, I tend to over analyze my feelings…I have no difficulties telling others what they are.
Low Self Esteem Patterns – I have no problems with my self-esteem. Because I am of mixed race, I learned very early on in life to be proud of who I am and love who I am, faults and all. I learned early that I can not change people’s perceptions no matter how hard I tried, but I could change my perception of people. I learned that I didn’t have to prove anything to anyone but myself, that I was worthy of all that life had to offer just as much as anyone else in this world. I know that I am truly beautiful on the inside and out, determined, strong and opinionated. So much so, that it has left myself and many others wondering how exactly I wound up where I am now.
Compliance Patterns – Wow. Well, in regards to compliance…can’t say I’ve done any of those either. I know that I have however adjusted how I do things around him. I haven’t adjusted things as far as my morals and value, what I do or friends and family to suit his needs at all. I’ve always done what I want to do. If anything, being in this relationship has made me hold on all that much stronger to them.
But again there are the little things that have changed, but I wouldn’t call them compliance. If we go back to the enabling where I touched on the him testing the boundaries. What I have changed is that I know I can’t leave cash laying around, it disappears. It’s never been large amounts of money that had gone missing, but all the same $10 here and there, is $10 that can be used for bread and milk. I’ve reamed him out so badly for this, but I’ve not tested it recently either because the fact is that has been a trust issue since that time. So technically, not really a compliance.
Control Patterns – I have control issues, but to the extent of if I feel I am being controlled or manipulated. If I catch on that this is happening I become rebellious and resentful and definitely lash out. I love helping others, how can one not? I only do for others what is within my possible means of doing, mentally, financially and physically. If I can’t, then I can’t and there is nothing that can be done. Do I get bummed out if I can’t help, of course I do. Do I become debilitated over it? No. One thing I did have to learn was not offering my advice when it wasn’t asked for. That one definitely took a long time to master since it is part of my personality, being opinionated. Having an opinion and giving advice two totally different things, and sometimes people don’t want to hear either.

I’ve left the sex part until the last because it actually came up in two sections – Control and Compliance. I have always considered myself to have a rather healthy view in regards to sexual relations. I have never confused the differences between, having sex and intimate moments with anyone. Do he and I have a healthy sexual relationship? Probably not. Why? I have needs and desires just as any other woman does. I don’t think these are above or beyond of what I would consider at a normal range though. I don’t know about anyone else’s addict, but I’m always left with “huh, what is sex?”, “what is this sex thing people talk about”. Meaning, he is not always fully capable of performing, and I relate this directly to his addictions. Do I focus or obsess over it? No, not really. Only when the need arises I suppose. And I’ve taken up alternative means of satisfaction without cheating. When we actually do have sex it’s a rare occasion, and intimate moments are even rarer.

I think what I’m working out here is that there is not a cookie cutter category for those that are involved in these types of relationships. Automatically referring them to Al-Anon and telling them they a Co-dependents can be counter productive in helping them discover their own paths and possible recovery. Not every Enabler is a Codependent, and not everyone is seeking help from a “high power”. So in terms of finding a support group online and finding resources, I haven’t had much luck yet. But then again, since I’ve just started this process I guess I still have a certain amount of digging to do.

Today he had his appointment at the Rehab clinic. I was originally was supposed to go with him, but I have been conflicted about that. On one hand I do want to be supportive of this attempt, but on the other it felt like to much hand holding. I’m all for being supportive, and I will be. I just at this time have not been given any real clear indication that he is absolutely serious about this. The fact is, I don’t trust him. I can’t get the idea out of my head that he is just stringing me along in a new game of “I’m doing this to pacify her for awhile”. I really want him to do this, but more than that I want for him to want to do it.

I had booked the afternoon off work to go with him. As I was getting ready to go he approaches me and says, “I know you really want to go, but I would appreciate doing this by myself”.  I automatically become hostile, I know I shouldn’t have but I did. I spat back at him that while I REALLY didn’t want to go, I felt as though I had no choice because I don’t trust him. My response confused him needless to say. It was the use of the words “I don’t trust”, it’s been the focus of my attacks on him recently. They stab him, and I willingly use that to my advantage. So I clarify what I am saying. I don’t trust him to go this appointment on his own and not come back and tell me something stupid like “They said they can’t help me because they don’t think my problem is serious enough”. He gathers his composure and brushes me off with a “whatever”.

Not going to the appointment with him isn’t what angered me though, as I did make it fairly clear that I was thinking a few steps ahead of him. I was satisfied that I made him aware he wasn’t going to pull that crap on me. What really did piss me off was what he did next. Let me explain first, I live in a very small isolated town. Population less than a thousand. It just so happens that this small town happens to have one of the provinces best Rehabilitation Clinics around. If you actually knew the people in the town, you would truly see the irony of it. Funny how the clinic wasn’t placed here based on the towns needs, but rather because it was centrally located between two major cities in which it could provide services for. If they only knew what actually lies in this town. This clinic is so close to us in fact, that if I were look out my back deck I can see the sprawling expanse and mansion on the property in which it belongs. To walk there, would take 15 minutes if you took your time an enjoyed the scenery.

As he’s getting ready to head out the door himself, he tells me he needs my cell so he can call his buddy when he’s done to pick him up. I can not even begin to describe the “WTF?” moment I had right then and there. So I ask him what he’s talking about because the place is right there he can walk, and he again repeats himself. And on top of that, apparently his buddy was on his way to drive him there as well. I’m flabbergasted, because what he is saying and how I’m interpreting it are two entirely differently things. What he is really saying is, his buddy who happens to be a fellow user is taking him there and then picking him up after so they can go get high. Who the fuck goes to an assessment appointment for drug/alcohol abuse with a fellow user?! Oh wait! I do know the answer to this, none other than an addict of course.

It took me a good 20 mins or so after he walked out the door to get over my shock. Seriously. Grabbed suitcases and started packing some things that my daughter and I would need immediately and would come back for the rest later. No clue where I’m going and no clue how I’m getting there at that moment, just knew I was leaving. Then a voice of reason calls and interrupts my whipping together my departure essentials. “11 years into this and you are going to leave now without hearing what happened at the appointment?” Yeah, didn’t like the voice of reason very much at that moment, but they had a point. Who was I to throw out a demand such as rehab or get out, and then not even allow the opportunity for it to happen? That’s not saying if I leave he won’t go, not at all. What it means is holding onto my end of the deal, if he actually does make the effort to do this, then now is not the time I should be turning my back on him. Getting clean is not going to be an easy process for him nor the rest of us either. So I’ve paused…not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing yet. Now if he doesn’t actually make the effort then I won’t even be having a discussion with him. I’ll be a ghost…

Needless to say, after my little break down and frustration burst…he returned home with documentation in hand and his next appointment set to meet with a counsellor next week on the 23rd. Soooo…we’ll see where that goes.

But go ahead and ask me where he is at this moment….

the fucker

I can’t say all of this is his fault, because in the end I have to accept my role in the whole dynamic.  I continued to allow him to make his habits priority knowing full well they were wrong, toxic and destructive. I continually allowed him to make the wrong choices that would not only affect myself but my kids as well. I made the mistake that many spouses and partners of addicts do, while I never thought I could change him, my mistake was assuming that one day he would grow up and become an responsible adult. I suppose he has grown some, as he’s become adept at fitting us into his lifestyle.

Our life is one big complication after another.

I first met him about 20 years ago. We were both dating others at that time (each others friends to be more precise), and he became my roommate for a few short months. I allowed him a place to lay his head at night and a place to be independent. We never interfered with each others lives and went about leading our own. Our paths were as different then as they are now. For me at that time he was nothing more than my quiet and brooding friend, who was lost and needed to find their way. The thought of becoming romantically or physically involved with him hadn’t even entered my mind. He was already using at this point and I had my first child to raise. We went our separate ways as roomies, but not as friends and still spoke over the years. He eventually moved from the city we lived in for another, and fell off the radar for a couple years.

Shift 10 years forward, we happened upon each other in a club. He had been back in town for awhile at that point. He was still my ever quiet and brooding friend, but there was also something else there that wasn’t there before. If anything, perhaps he seemed more at ease than when he was younger. He had been laying low as he put it for the last year or so, as he had been in a relationship with a woman and he had been helping to raise her little girl. From what I’ve been told by his family members the break up was fairly painful for him. He never talked about it much, other than it was what it was. As for myself, I had come out a long term relationship and was re-discovering myself. I am naturally a fairly assertive and aggressive person, but I had found I was losing who I was in someone who was seeking to control me. Not that I was going against the grain and doing things one shouldn’t in a relationship. But my partner was attempting to shape me into something I clearly was not  by placing unrealistic expectations and standards. Needless to say, I was very much enjoying my space and freedom.

He and I started talking, which raised the question, “how come we never did back then?”. My answer was simply because we were both involved with someone else that we were really into. His answer was more complicated, apparently going right back to when we first met. He had always been interested in me, however his friend moved faster than he did. In restrospect he stated though, it was probably a good thing we didn’t get involved at the time because he was no where near ready for a lasting relationship. We most likely would have wound up splitting and not speaking.

At some point, (I’m not quite sure when really) we shifted from talking, to dating, to being in a relationship. It wasn’t a fast change, more of a subtle one. We took our time, and I really appreciated that because I was still very unclear what I wanted. However, I kept returning to him because for me at the time he was giving me exactly what I needed. My space and freedom, and yet still have the comfort of knowing someone was there. That’s not to say there were others I was involved with, because there wasn’t. It simply meant, I didn’t have to answer to anyone or consent plans to. One of his best traits was that he allowed me to be me. I can be overbearing, pushy and quite assertive..and he lets that go for the most part. But still,  has the balls to step up and tell me when I am wrong with a simple “no”. It’s one of the reasons I fell for him.

In most regards we are still the same as we we’re back then. He’s still quiet, and if anything I am more moody. I still require a lot of down time and space to be left completely alone. One thing that has changed after 11 years of being together though is that I have unwittingly bent to his will. Something I vowed would never happen again. I promised myself that I would never again live my life according to how others live theirs. Ok, so I didn’t pick up smoking dope or rotting my liver out…but all the same at this point I might as well have been. Over the years I have  adjusted my lifestyle, my way of thinking to accommodate and further enable his habits.

He has always known I don’t agree with his habits. But again, because of the type of person I am in regards to free will, I had made the choice this his habits were not something that I personally wanted for me. Wasn’t interested in the slightest. In my mind it was more “who has time for an addiction”?  What I have learned over the years is that my choice was never really given to me if I were to remain in a relationship with him. The division is us, and him and his habits. His habits interfere with our ability to grow as a family, move forward and more importantly trust is not there. Things have been particularly harder for us all in the past year, and once again we find ourselves in a rut of barely managing and getting by. And once again, I have to be the rock and provider and hope and pray things will not fall entirely apart. It’s like sitting back and watching really bad reruns 24-7.

Last week, he pushed me too far. The accumulation of stress over the past year or so had built up and I reached my breaking point. His actions had a direct impact on how our 8 year old daughter views him. He once again proved that he is thoughtless and selfish, and that he is lead by his nose by his habits.  And indeed I snapped…

If he wants to continue living his life this way, by all means have at it. But that choice will be without me and our daughter. If he should choose that he wants to be with us then he needs to seek help.  He had until the end of the week to have seen someone at the rehab clinic or have an appt scheduled for a consult. If he couldn’t do that, I wanted the keys to the apartment. Obviously rehab has not ever been top priority on his list. When it was brought up in the past there was always excuses “I don’t have time, I’m busy with work” or “I’m not that bad, I’m a functional addict”. All I do know is that he has never made an attempt to stop. Never. No matter how dire the situation got, his habits took precedence.

Tomorrow, he has an appointment at the rehabilitation centre for drug and alcohol abuse. It took him a few days of being extremely pissed at me, and me having him on complete ignore. But he called them on his own. It’s a step right? One he’s never taken before. Then why do I not feel overly confident about it? In a lot of ways, I feel this step may be too little too late.

We will see what tomorrow brings…

There is another small group of people that know me, and are visitors to my other sites. For them, this part of my life is simply none of their business. It’s far too personal and involved to allow them access. Not that I am aware any of them would ever use it against me or my family, it’s just really nothing I care to share with them.

With those two reasons, it really has left me in a place where I have no where to let everything out. I’ve been neglecting my main blog because there is so much I need to get out of my system. While I may not be the best of writers, I do find the process to be rather cathartic. Perhaps having some place to vent will allow me to get back to being open again in other aspects of my life, because for the time being I’m on shut down.

I know I really haven’t said much in this first post, but it is just the beginning. Beginning to the end? or Beginning to a start? I have no idea where this journey is going to take any of us. It’s just as new to me as it is to you reading it…

For now, I must get some sleep. When I wake, I will begin the tale.