Today.
I’m feeling a mixture of things.
Bummed, overwhelmed, dissatisfied, slow…I can go on.
I know what the problem is, and I know how it needs to be fixed. I find myself looking for those quick answers and solutions, but for this there are none.
I’m still having problems locating a good support group online for myself. I’ve found an abundance of groups set up for the addict, but none really exist for the spouse/partner side of things. Of these that do exist, those involved are so busy and wrapped up on labelling and tagging you with the co-dependent they tend to overlook that not everyone is. It’s incredibly frustrating…
One of the things that really have me bummed out are the success rates of relationships that have gone through something like this. Whether the addict has managed to become clean or not, the future from what I can see is bleak. One part of me, knows…knows full well that if help isn’t sought we are splitting. This does not cause me any concern because it’s a firm decision that I’ve made and ready for. There is the part of that wonders if he does manage to do this, if we are going to make it as a couple. I’ve never known him to be anything but a user.
Things will change, it is inevitable. This leads to “what if’s”. What if after we go through all of this, we discover that we just really don’t like each other? Seems an odd question, but one that is quite possible. What surprises me there, is that while I’m willing to let him go at this moment, the thought of things not working in a clean future makes me…well it makes me sad. I don’t know if this is normal to feel this way or not, so I ask.
Another thing that causes some concern for me personally is the severity of the problem. One thing I’ve quickly come to realize is that our situation could be a whole lot worse in regards to his addiction. Seeing and reading experience after experience, I know it could be a lot worse. There is a problem though, and while it’s not as severe as other it is still quite a real problem. How do I not minimize what is happening and keep the focus of what I need to do to get through this? And again I ask…
Telling me, “have faith in the high power!”, “what attracts you to this personality type?” or “did you grow up with alcoholics?” do not answer my questions. Telling me that people are not unique individuals, and the circumstances of how they got where they are do not vary, is not an answer. Hell, responding to an answer with a question is not an answer!
For once, just once I would like to hear that it is not my fault that he is the one that has chosen to put things to his mouth and inhaled or swallowed. I did not hold a gun to his head or a knife to his throat and tell him all life’s problem would be resolved, if he just inhaled, swallowed and remembered a towel and that the answer was 42! (A little galaxy hitchhiker reference there)
I accept my own role and responsibilities in this. It is well beyond time he accepted his.
