Today I was fairly close to just calling it quits. Packing my own and my daughters belongings and just getting back to where all my family and friends are. Had you asked me around noon time today, I felt I was completely justified in such a reaction. But that was just it, it was a reaction…a very strong impulsive reaction to something he did to rub me the wrong way.
Today he had his appointment at the Rehab clinic. I was originally was supposed to go with him, but I have been conflicted about that. On one hand I do want to be supportive of this attempt, but on the other it felt like to much hand holding. I’m all for being supportive, and I will be. I just at this time have not been given any real clear indication that he is absolutely serious about this. The fact is, I don’t trust him. I can’t get the idea out of my head that he is just stringing me along in a new game of “I’m doing this to pacify her for awhile”. I really want him to do this, but more than that I want for him to want to do it.
I had booked the afternoon off work to go with him. As I was getting ready to go he approaches me and says, “I know you really want to go, but I would appreciate doing this by myself”. I automatically become hostile, I know I shouldn’t have but I did. I spat back at him that while I REALLY didn’t want to go, I felt as though I had no choice because I don’t trust him. My response confused him needless to say. It was the use of the words “I don’t trust”, it’s been the focus of my attacks on him recently. They stab him, and I willingly use that to my advantage. So I clarify what I am saying. I don’t trust him to go this appointment on his own and not come back and tell me something stupid like “They said they can’t help me because they don’t think my problem is serious enough”. He gathers his composure and brushes me off with a “whatever”.
Not going to the appointment with him isn’t what angered me though, as I did make it fairly clear that I was thinking a few steps ahead of him. I was satisfied that I made him aware he wasn’t going to pull that crap on me. What really did piss me off was what he did next. Let me explain first, I live in a very small isolated town. Population less than a thousand. It just so happens that this small town happens to have one of the provinces best Rehabilitation Clinics around. If you actually knew the people in the town, you would truly see the irony of it. Funny how the clinic wasn’t placed here based on the towns needs, but rather because it was centrally located between two major cities in which it could provide services for. If they only knew what actually lies in this town. This clinic is so close to us in fact, that if I were look out my back deck I can see the sprawling expanse and mansion on the property in which it belongs. To walk there, would take 15 minutes if you took your time an enjoyed the scenery.
As he’s getting ready to head out the door himself, he tells me he needs my cell so he can call his buddy when he’s done to pick him up. I can not even begin to describe the “WTF?” moment I had right then and there. So I ask him what he’s talking about because the place is right there he can walk, and he again repeats himself. And on top of that, apparently his buddy was on his way to drive him there as well. I’m flabbergasted, because what he is saying and how I’m interpreting it are two entirely differently things. What he is really saying is, his buddy who happens to be a fellow user is taking him there and then picking him up after so they can go get high. Who the fuck goes to an assessment appointment for drug/alcohol abuse with a fellow user?! Oh wait! I do know the answer to this, none other than an addict of course.
It took me a good 20 mins or so after he walked out the door to get over my shock. Seriously. Grabbed suitcases and started packing some things that my daughter and I would need immediately and would come back for the rest later. No clue where I’m going and no clue how I’m getting there at that moment, just knew I was leaving. Then a voice of reason calls and interrupts my whipping together my departure essentials. “11 years into this and you are going to leave now without hearing what happened at the appointment?” Yeah, didn’t like the voice of reason very much at that moment, but they had a point. Who was I to throw out a demand such as rehab or get out, and then not even allow the opportunity for it to happen? That’s not saying if I leave he won’t go, not at all. What it means is holding onto my end of the deal, if he actually does make the effort to do this, then now is not the time I should be turning my back on him. Getting clean is not going to be an easy process for him nor the rest of us either. So I’ve paused…not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing yet. Now if he doesn’t actually make the effort then I won’t even be having a discussion with him. I’ll be a ghost…
Needless to say, after my little break down and frustration burst…he returned home with documentation in hand and his next appointment set to meet with a counsellor next week on the 23rd. Soooo…we’ll see where that goes.
But go ahead and ask me where he is at this moment….
the fucker
